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I was walking home after education and about to duck into to the bushes to sneak some time to read the rebels’ news pamphlet, when it happened. The sudden darkness that engulfed me was so intense a match would have sputtered out. The darkness slowly moved west over my head. Normally, I ignored these shadows, but this time the darkness was so dense and stifling, I couldn’t. I looked up and instead of seeing a cloud cloaking what we all dreaded to see, I saw a long ship clearly in the night that should have been day. I felt safe hidden in the bushes looking up at the apparition. The ship was like something out of Star Wars, except this ship had a whole array of long arms-like structures reaching towards the ground, and I shuddered to think what it was all for. Later I learned I was right to be terrified.

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I have been fussing between domains, Net Scape and Word Press and all the time Word Press has been warning me that they were going to terminate my domain account, which I never meant to get in the first place. I finally relented and got in touch with Word Press customer service and they told me what I had to do to link Word Press with my Net Scape domain, ‘jlcarsoncreations’, only now it will have Word Press inserted. Oh well, can’t have everything.

I was still getting those notices from WP telling me the end was near. I decided to just wait them out and see if I stayed online. Seems I did and I’m trudging along for now.

I am thinking of giving up writing. I love to write even though I need a few more years to get any good at it. It’s things like this: blogging. I wanted to be a writer not a blogger. Now that I have figured out how I’m supposed to get people to my site, by reading and commenting on their sites (that’s what I was told) I imagine it would work out better. I absolutely refuse to twitter. What I think is interesting and funny most people think is just weird.

Then there are all the socializing and writer’s workshops. The very thought just terrifies me. I guess if I was a prodigy and not a someone with years of writing technical material behind them, I would feel differently. Don’t get me wrong, I grew up in my room reading non-stop science fiction and when that changed to fantasy I followed the trend. I have an abundance of ideas just not a gripping way of telling the story, not yet at least.

Bottom line is I’ve run out of money and I don’t have a day job. So I must bid adieu to writing . . . for now. I of course am going to keep rambling on my blog since I spent so much time getting the darn think up. Offline for now.

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As this year winds down and I have to be careful as I stand because of all the fattening, delicious food I have eaten I have been reminded of something. I go through life and take particular pleasure in smiling and thanking those that help me, like the checkout people at the grocery stores, the people that help me figure out the new gadgets at the electronics store (if they are patient, which they usually are), and always the Starbuck’s people behind the counter. I run into people repeatedly and I usually don’t even know their name.

I noticed that one of my steadfast checkout clerks at the grocery store was not there. This had gone on a month. I watched and waited thinking she would soon return. Then I forgot about it being the Christmas season and having many things to do. Two days after Christmas I was at the store and I heard two of her co-workers talking and what they said stopped me cold.

 It seems the woman’s name was Cynthia and she died of a sudden heart attack. One moment she was alive with her husband the next minute she was dying as she fell to the floor and when she hit the floor she was dead. I thought about all those people that I see every day and then suddenly they are gone. I like to assume the best. . . but I will no longer be able to wrap myself in that nice cocoon of ‘everything is okay.’

The moral of this is simply, it is a take off of a very similar moral: treat each person with the grace that you may never see them again because you may not.

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My first critique of the novel MINDGAMES was gentle but firm. Basically most of it needed to be changed, and they were right. I already knew it and they just confirmed it.

After taking all their valuable advice, I was looking forward to new words of wisdom to help me move my novel along. I just didn’t want to get the same old comments: “play by play”, “show not tell”, “paragraphs too long”, or “need more white space, these are kids”. Every word valid at the time, I hoped now I had gotten past that.

I had! Today I have a whole slew of new guidance that I can use to move on. Some I have trouble accepting, but I must say I see their point and I agree….grrrr.

So I am off again and my critique group will be happy to know that they will not be seeing the same 5 pages.

By the way my next blog will be my thoughts on self-publishing after looking at the pros and cons.

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I was surrounded by monsters. I barely could keep them at bay with light. They were afraid of the light but even the light would not keep the boldest ones away forever. I was crouched there in my meager attire backed up against the wall. The night went on and on and slowly my eyes would start to droop. But then I would awaken again knowing that the monsters were just waiting for an opportunity of laxity on my part to drag me off into the night to torture and do unspeakable things.

Night after night I fought off the monsters. Eventually I always fell asleep but the light kept them away so that I could rest until morning. I would go through the day dreading the night that I would have to face and fight another battle with the monsters.

Then one day my Queen came to me seeing my plight. She took me by the hand and said I have a surprise for you my brave child. She took me through the forest on a path that trailed along the ocean. I could hear the ocean crashing below. I wondered if the good Queen in her mercy was going to throw me from the heights so I could finally stop this endless battle that God had decreed I fight. But the Queen turned inland and my hopes of release were let go.

We came to a building and in the building were many creatures. All the creatures within were hurt and being cared for by people who loved them dearly. I stood there and a small woman came to me wearing a white smock.

“I hear you are in need of a knight?”

I was speechless. I looked at the lady and finally mumbled out, “I am not worthy of a great knight.”

“Your Queen thinks that you are not only worthy of a knight but a silver knight. This Knight is young and must be trained and loved. Are you up to the task?”

“I would love a silver knight or any creature that needed love.” I said.

“Then your Queen has chosen wisely because this knight although strong of heart and very brave will not be of this world long and only a person who would love a damaged and dying creature may have this knight. For he will fight monsters for ten years, but on the tenth year he will falter and then he will have to be protected. Can you do that?”

I stood there. Only ten years, that was not long. Knights usually last much longer. Then I thought he must be a very brave knight because I knew my monsters were terribly strong and terrifying and he would have to fight them during all those ten years. He would have to fight them and other horrible nightmares. Yes, I would love him with all my heart for ten years and then I would protect him while he dies and keep him safe. And on the last day I will hold him in my arms and let him know what a brave companion he is and I love him very much, more than tongue can tell. I will let him know he is going to a place where there is no pain and only love.

“I will take this gift you are offering.” I said.

Then out of the pocket of her smock the lady pulled a gray kitten and held him out to me. I took him and he immediately held on to me and from then on we never let go of each other.

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When I thought I would fulfill a lifelong dream and try my hand at writing I pictured myself happily typing at a computer, coffee on its warmer by my hand, cat curled by my feet. My hands would be rapidly typing away creating my novel which might need a rewrite or two . . . maybe three. My first shock was my writing was terrible. I had a great imagination but putting it on the paper was a whole different matter. A few classes latter and the words, “show don’t tell”, “You use the same word too much, He, He, He”, my paragraphs are too long, etc. By the way I am writing Young Adult novels.

Then I began the whole formatting drama, what font, what size margin, how far down till you start a new chapter, etc. Then the worse news, I couldn’t just get an agent and start on my next book. No, I had to be a big part in my marketing. I even had to have a Blog (I put my foot down at a twittering). That was the last thing I wanted was to spend time talking about myself when I was extremely boring. You should have seen me in my thirties.

My attempt to get an agent is a lesson on what not to do.Oh, I got the letter right, but I had nothing published and put in exactly what you’re not supposed to – endorsements from other literary people who have been out of the business for a while and really are family friends. Nor did I do any research on the agents themselves. They were strangers. The novel really wasn’t ready but worse of all, the first line was no good.

Believe or not I am still pecking away with absolutely no expectations.

I thought I would give you a view of my writing corner with all my how-to books.

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I joined a running group because I had to take extreme measures to get myself back in shape. I have run marathons, climbed mountains, hiked for hours with no trouble in my youth. But I have stopped exercising for years. I lost pounds of muscle and now weigh more than I ever have and it is all fat.

Saturday the group got together. It was a record turnout. I told them all not to worry about me I would soon fall behind and they probably wouldn’t see me again until the next run. Off we went. I kept up for about ten seconds and then watched as they got further and further away. I could especially see this one girl in a bright pink shirt until it was lost in walkers, baby strollers, and bikes.

I didn’t mind. I was happy I was still running after five minutes. I ended up running a little over two miles with an occasional brief period of walking. I didn’t care I had achieved my goal. I would have loved to have run faster, but it will come.

At the end I was a little disappointed to be passed again by most of the group. They were obviously in their twenties maybe one thirty year old so I had to say at the end.

“Not too bad for a 50-years-old.”

It was funny as each one asked the person next to them. “Did she say ‘50’?”

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I went to another critique of my writers’ group. My last critique was at the SCBWI Summer Convention. That critique was very well done and completely on the mark, however, after the critique I started to write than stopped. I stayed stopped for two years. I was very upset and it wasn’t because of my critique. My critique was right on, just like it was this time. I was grateful for both critiques.

I choose not to drag out the reasons behind my ill feelings. One it would do my writing career no good and two, it would tell you too much about me. I have decided to just let it go and move on.

Since the last critique, I have been writing and using all the advice everyone so graciously offered. I have also begun to read Starters which is a very enjoyable; and the author is a science fiction author like I am working to be. I did that wrong. I AM a science fiction/fantasy writer, I just haven’t gotten anything publish and my writing needs a lot of improvement. Lissa Price has a wonderful book and she was once a part of our little group of merry writers.

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Oh my God! Yesterday I helped a friend put on a reception at church. I kept smiling happily at the people dropping off food and they would look at me like I was crazy, then I would remember I was at a funeral. I would quickly change my face to one sorrow with a sad smile of condolence for their loss. It was easy to do since the memory of losing my mother was crystal clear in my mind.

The reason I am in shock this morning is because I am in pain in my lower back. I did too much walking and standing for about three hours. I have had two back surgeries right where it is hurting, but I am sure that if I stretch, walk and apply heat that will fix me right up.

This is all because I finally got out of my sitting position. Now, understand I use to run miles and was trying to do my first Adventure Race. An Adventure Race is when you kayak 5 miles, rappel off a cliff, have to do a special test (usually a mind bender), then run 6 miles to the end, or something like that. I was bored with marathons. However, that was a decades ago. I have since then sat in meetings, sat at the computer, sat at coffee houses, and sat on my couch. If my program of therapy doesn’t work there’s always the Dr., shots, and happy pain pills – yippee!

The moral of the story is always keep a regular regime of exercise even if it is only thirty minutes of walking three days of week. I haven’t even been doing that and my body and mood reflect my sloth. So today I walked to Starbucks and back!

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I have gotten everything ready for my first critique of this new novel. It is much like the last novel just with some major refinements. It will be interesting to see what others have to say so I can get some quality input on changes I may need to make. I may even want to change the direction I am going. I do tend to get into explaining my ideas too much and not just getting to action. Heck, these are young adults and they want action.

As people have often commented I have a good imagination. It is just getting what I see in my head down on paper in a concise manner. I can only keep getting better. At least I have an imagination and I don’t think you can develop one, either you are born with it or you’re not. I would never claim to be a literary writer just a popular one.